I can't write much at the moment, because there are about twenty members of my extended family in my house, running rampant. I can't leave them alone for more than five minutes, or they get bored and start being destructive. But I didn't want to leave everyone hanging with the previous entry all night.
The pain woke me up this morning. It was low in my belly, right below the bulge. And also along my lower back. Not quite like menstrual cramps... much more sharp and intense. Not the dull, achy pain I'm used to. And when I went to the bathroom, there was blood. Not a lot, but enough to freak me out and send me into a fit of tears. I told Cliff when he called around 10am, and he was concerned and wanted to see me right away. But I hadn't had a shower, and I wanted to wait until everyone left the house.
So while he was running errands and such, I did a little research. I found out that the blood could mean I was never pregnant in the first place (which seems highly unlikely, considering the size of my belly). It can also mean I'm having a miscarriage (which is what I'm afraid of). Or, it could be like one reader suggested, just the last of my periods. I have known women who had a light period all through their pregnancy, so I suppose it's highly possible.
I guess the thing that really has me worried is the pain. I don't understand why I would have pain, unless I'm losing the baby. And it's not morning sickness, because I haven't thrown up at all. So I just don't know. If any of you moms out there have any ideas, please leave a note and let me know.
Cliff and I are supposed to go to Planned Parenthood sometime next week, before I leave for Iowa if possible. I want to get an actual pregnancy test, and make sure everything is alright. If it all checks out, the next step will be telling my parents so I can hurry and find a good OB, and be under their insurance. We need to get the ball rolling, because it's getting harder and harder to hide my belly. I only own so many baggy shirts.
We went to the park today, and laid on a blanket under the trees. He was very supportive... told me that no matter what happened, it wasn't my fault and he would be there for me. He's being so considerate. It makes things just a little easier to bear. I just don't know what's going to happen if we end up losing the baby. It will be devastating to me, and to him as well... but what will become of us? I know he wants to stay together no matter what. But I have no idea what I want. It's too much to think about right now.
I have my Open House and graduation tomorrow, so don't expect another entry until sometime Sunday. I'll be up all hours of the night as it is trying to get everything ready.
I just heard a child scream, accompanied by a huge thump coming from upstairs. I think that's my cue to go.
9:36 pm - 05.30.03
I don't know what to do. I'm bleeding. And doubled over in pain.
Please, God. No. Don't take this away from me.
9:14 am - 05.30.03
Today I stopped by my English teacher's classroom to pick up my final grade report. She surprised me with a gift, a brightly colored bag adorned with a bow.
Inside the bag was a unicorn, carved from an opaque white rock. Along with the unicorn was a card that read:
"You have to color outside the lines once in a while if you want to make your life a masterpiece.
Ali, I wanted to find you something special and meaningful to signify your graduation, your transition into the next phase of life. This piece is unique in that it was hand crafted by French Market Artesians we appreciate both as artists and people. The unicorn symbolizes purity of the heart, creativity of the mind, and strength of the bond between all living beings. These all represent the person you are."
When I got home, I was carry the bag through the bathroom, which has linoluem flooring. Upon attempting to turn on the light, the bag slipped from my grasp and landed on the floor with a thud. The unicorn was secured in bubble wrap, but when I opened it up to survey the damage, his horn was broken off. Only the horn.
If this creature is supposed to represent me, what does a breaking off of the horn signify?
I could gather a great amount of negativity from this incident. I could say that it means I have faltered, I have failed. But I'm not going to do that.
I got out the tacky glue, stuck the horn back in place, and put it on my shelf to dry. In a few hours, it will be strong again, wielding not only a powerful horn but proud battle scars as well. With incident comes experience, and my unicorn will be no exception to this.
Just as I have done with my own heart, time and time again, I put the pieces back together. It may never be the same again, like myself. But when one exhibits strength, one also gains wisdom. Just like the unicorn, I will overcome.
I'll be just fine.
3:21 pm - 05.28.03
So for some reason unknown to me, I went up to Cliff's house tonight. I just had this strong urge to be near him and talk to him. Probably because he's the only one who can make me feel secure about this whole ordeal.
Hell, he's the only one who knows, other than everyone here online.
But anyway. I drove up there around four, got there at quarter til five, and stayed til 8:30. I didn't really know what to expect. I just wanted to talk to him and find out his real feelings about everything. As soon as I got there, he begged me to let him see my bare belly. (Yesterday I wouldn't let him.) So, I finally gave in. And when he saw it, he just broke down. Couldn't take it. He went into this whole long shpeel of I-love-yous and I-wanna-be-with-yous and the like. It was a pretty emotional moment, seeing the father of my child in tears like that. All my feelings for him came flooding back in full force. There was no escaping them. I don't think I want to escape them.
And it may not seem like it, but this is a really hard decision for me. This whole me-and-him thing. As much as I know I should keep my guard up and not give in to him, it's so easier said than done. I've had countless online friends tell me I shouldn't go back to him. But they don't understand. No one understands. Yes, I know how badly he hurt me in the past. I know what it was like. I lived it, dammit. But I can't just turn my back on someone I love in a time like this. Maybe someone else can, but I can't. I'm just not a cold-hearted bitch like that.
I know I need to protect myself and my emotions. And believe me, I plan to. I'm through being his doormat. The second he starts up with his old ways, you can bet he'll get a swift kick in the ass. But I can't just tell him no without giving him a chance.
He really poured his heart out to my tonight. He told me that he wasn't going to be one of those dads that leaves their babies. He wants to be there every step of the way and support me through every twist and turn. He wants to be able to buy me whatever I want for the baby. He wants to support his family. But most of all, what he expressed to me tonight was fear. He had a sleepless night last night, worrying about how he was going to provide for his child as well as himself. And he's worried that my parents are going to hate him, although I assured him that they will come around eventually. "I just want to be able to give you and the baby the best. I love you. I love the baby. We can do this."
I don't mean to sound like I'm totally defending him, because I'm not. I know he fucked up in the past. Big time. But what helps is that he knows it too, and he's admitted that he was wrong. That in itself I know was difficult for him to do. I truly believe that he's willing to make a full 180.
He's trying. I know he is. What reason would he have to put on an act? It's his money that's going to be spent. And he wouldn't spend it if he didn't sincerely want things to work out.
The whole time all of this has been going on, I haven't even really felt like it's my life. It's like I'm just floating around along with someone else, witnessing her life. I can't grasp the fact of what's happening yet. Talking about the future has always been my strong point. But it seems like now all I want to do is avoid it. "Don't worry, everything will work out. I promise." I say things like that just to make him feel better. To get away from the negative aspect of things.
But I don't know if it's going to be okay. I have no idea what obstacle is going to be thrown my way next.
I really really need to get to a doctor. I feel like crap knowing that I should be taking prenatal vitamins already and I'm not. Oh yeah... and it would be nice to see a positive test result first.
In the midst of all this drama, I haven't even had a chance to mention that I graduate in four days.
How is it that I'm so happy and excited yet so apprehensive at the same time?
Blah. I need some sleep. But I do think that the initial shock of this whole thing is starting to die down. At least, I hope it is. I'm ready to start being genuinely happy. There will be some difficult issues to take care of, but they can be overcome.
Wow. I'm having a baby.
10:41 pm - 05.27.03
Recent entries:
I'm not Allyson! - 07.09.03
- - 06.24.03
a new chapter - 06.23.03
the end of the non-existent beginning - 06.23.03
just when I thought it was over... - 06.22.03
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