Real quick like, I'd like to send a million thanks and hugs to everyone who has been so supportive while I've been having a tough time. It really does help. I love you all... you mean more to me than you'll ever know.
I'm sure I'll be back to my old self in no time... I just need some relaxation away from home. See you all when I get back.
3:53 pm - 06.04.03
I'm leaving for Iowa tonight. Might write while I'm there, but more than likely not. We'll be busy.
I'll be back late Sunday night. Guestbook signings and notes would be much appreciated, as I haven't been feeling the greatest lately.
Hopefully I'll be out of this slump by the time I get back. Until then...
Bye.
Oh, and Amelia? The cowardly little bitch from the guestbook that was too scared to leave a url? Yeah, you can eat shit. Take a look at the evidence, asshole. And then go get a life. If I really was an "attention getter," I'd be out stealing baby pictures and passing them off as my kid, like I've seen so many other little whores do. I have my OWN pictures, and my OWN life. I'm not some sick fuck that makes up stories about dying babies for fun. It's not my fault you're fucking jealous and have to call me a liar to make yourself feel better.
2:15 pm - 06.04.03
I swear, I am such a paranoid freak.
Right when I submitted that entry, the phone rang. Guess who it was?
I think I have serious trust issues.
11:38 pm - 06.02.03
I hate this.
I'm letting myself get worked up because he hasn't called all day.
This isn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to care that much. I'm supposed to go about my day without giving it a thought.
But I can't. It bothers me. I want to know where the fuck he is, and it kills me that I don't.
Great. We haven't even been back together a full two weeks and already I'm freaking out over stupid shit.
Ali, get a fucking hold of yourself.
11:32 pm - 06.02.03
Well, this is it. My first true weekday as an "adult." And I feel exactly the same as I did last Monday.
I have nothing to say really.
Okay, so that was a lie. I have a hell of a lot to say, but have no idea where to begin or how to word it.
I think I lost the baby.
There is clear evidence, which I don't care to share here. It's rather gross, and I can't word it without sounding totally textbook. It's not important anyway.
I told Cliff this morning. He was upset, but we both agreed it's a blessing in disguise of sorts. Don't take that as us being happy about this. We wanted that baby more than anything in the world. We just know that now wasn't the best time financially, and if God wanted our baby in heaven, then that's where we want him/her to be as well.
But dammit, I just don't understand. As much as I know that this is The Plan, and that it was set before I was ever even thought of, it still hurts like a thousand needles scraping my skin away. I loved that baby so much. More than anyone or anything I've ever loved. And to have it taken away from me... it's torture.
Okay. Well. If I write any more, I'm going to cry. Again. And we can't be having any more of that.
1:40 pm - 06.02.03
So, I still know nothing about the cause of my pain/bleeding. It seems that Planned Parenthood is closed on the weekends, and our hospital conveniently lacks an emergency room. So it look like I won't be finding out anything until Wednesday.
This weekend was the big graduation weekend for me. I had my Open House on Saturday, and had the actual commencement that night as well. I had a decent showing, not near as many people from school as I had hoped. But, it's not like I'll see any of them again anyway. The people who mattered were here, and that's all I really cared about. The three hours ended up flying by, thankfully. I thought my lips were going to be formed into a permanent fake smile.
Commencement wasn't nearly as big a deal as I had anticipated. I was a bit jittery before we made our entrance, but after that, I sort of drowned everything out. I was pissed because the audience was rude and hollered while names were called, thus drowning them out. And I was pissed that they didn't use ANY of my pictures in the slideshow. I was also pissed that I didn't get ANY pictures with anyone after the whole thing was over. So overall, I was just pissed. But, I got my diploma, and that's really all I care about any more.
I got pictures of me in my cap and gown developed today... I imagine I'll have them up sometime tomorrow.
Last night, while I was lying in bed, I could have sworn that I felt something move inside my belly. I suppose it could have just been air or some other natural occurance, but it sure felt different. Not like anything I've ever experienced. I don't even know if I'm far along enough to feel the baby move, or if the baby is even still there. But there for a second, it sure seemed real. Cliff called a bit later, and I told him about it, but he didn't seem too enthused. I think the initial excitement is wearing off for him already. It's hard to tell. He never has been one to reveal his feelings all that much, so he's probably just keeping it inside. But I do wish that he acted more interested than he does. He doesn't seem to realize how crucial it is that I get to a doctor. I guess he figures that I'll handle things. Like I know more about this than he does or something. Argh. I don't know.
I just wish we knew more about the whole situation. We'd go to the doctor sooner, but he works all this week, and I'm going up to Ball State on Tuesday. We leave Thursday for Iowa, so that leaves tomorrow or Wednesday for the doctor. And even then, we'll have to go in the morning, before he has to work. Suck suck suck.
We spent today lounging at the pool, just relaxing. Me in shorts and a t-shirt, of course. No string bikini for this preggo girl. And I now have tri-color legs, thanks to the wretched shorts. Hideous, I tell you. It seems that the sun can never hit my legs evenly. It only affects the tops of my thighs and feet. My calves stay pastey. Woe is me.
Well, I suppose that's enough of a pity party for now. I've been asked to go on a milk run, at 10:30 at night. So I better get on it. Woop-dee-frickin-doo. (Yes, I know. I'm SUCH a happy kid tonight.)
10:04 pm - 06.01.03
Recent entries:
I'm not Allyson! - 07.09.03
- - 06.24.03
a new chapter - 06.23.03
the end of the non-existent beginning - 06.23.03
just when I thought it was over... - 06.22.03
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