Watching the days burning out like a cigarette,
just a few drags to go.
Built me up and broke me down somehow.
Everything just seemed so clear to me,
nothing left to know
I'll love you right and I'll love you pure, right now
How can you say that it's too late?
To save us now...
And I would wait for you, if you would wait for me
And I will wait for you, if you would wait for me
Intoxicated the edge is serrated,
so easily torn from the core
I blushed the first time,
but you blushed the last time
my eyes in your mind
regenerated these feelings of hatred,
I long for your love evermore
You built me up and you broke me down this time.
9:33 pm - 11.12.02
Why is it that you can feel that something is the right thing to do, and it's what you want...
But when you actually do it, you feel like shit afterward?
I'd like to think that I don't let others' opinions of me affect the way I act. But if this is so, why is it so hard for me to just ask Eddie what he wants? The only reason I can concoct for not doing it is that I don't want him to think I lost my "coolness" factor. He's told me before that he thinks I'm "cool as hell." So, by pushing a decision on him, am I altering his opinion of me? I don't want him to think that I'm demanding that he be in an actual relationship with me. But I also can't just forget that anything ever happened.
I say: "I'm so lame."
My alter-ego says: "Just ask him, wussy."
6:01 pm - 11.11.02
Once upon a time there was a young PIMP named EDDIE. He was HOMOSEXUALLY HUMPING in the DISEASED forest when he met GRUNGY KRAMER, a run-away PROCTOLOGIST from the INFLAMMATORY Queen SHONDA.
EDDIE could see that GRUNGY KRAMER was hungry so he reached into his LUBE TUBE and give him his PUBIC PICKLED JALAPENOS. GRUNGY KRAMER was thankful for EDDIE's PICKLED JALAPENOS, so he told EDDIE a very BLOATED story about Queen SHONDA's daughter BERTHA. How her mother, the INFLAMMATORY Queen SHONDA, kept her locked away in a WHORE HOUSE protected by a gigantic LEMUR, because BERTHA was so MOLDY.
EDDIE STROKED. He vowed to GRUNGY KRAMER the PROCTOLOGIST that he would save the MOLDY BERTHA. He would FONDLE the LEMUR, and take BERTHA far away from her evil mother, the INFLAMMATORY Queen SHONDA, and LICK her.
Then, all of the sudden, there was a FLEA-INFESTED FLATULANCE and GRUNGY KRAMER the PROCTOLOGIST began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic LEMUR from his story. INFLAMMATORY Queen SHONDA GROPED out from behind a PICKLE and struck EDDIE dead. In the far off WHORE HOUSE you could hear a SPLOOGE.
THE END.
Make your own Fairy Tale at fuali.com
4:22 pm - 11.11.02
So said Eddie of Josh Hartnett last night, when we were watching O. "See how he's all built and shit? On the roids? He's definately my kinda guy. The epitome of the perfect man." I just thought of that, and it made me laugh out loud.
I don't do that too often any more.
Sean called. I didn't say much to him, other than I wasn't in a very pleasant mood. I'm still trying to piece together some sort of answer to the question of why I'm here. Apparently, someone thinks I should just shoot myself. And at times, I agree. But it's different when someone else says it. It's offensive.
And also, I'm not a 'punk' because I had a punk blinkie on the blog. And real punks don't advertise their 'punkiness.' Well, guess what, wise ass. Real punks don't hate on other punks either.
I'm tired of all this hostility. Why can't everyone just appreciate things for what they are? I hate it when someone (who shall go unnamed) hates on another diarist because the said diarist's writings aren't 'intellectual' or 'profound' enough to be considered worth reading. Ok, just because someone's vocabulary is slightly less immense than yours does not mean they have less meaning in their writing. Who's to say that the words are what matter anyway? It's the essence of the message that matters. Anyone can pick up a thesaurus and sound 'profound' by your definition.
I like her entry today. The one entitled "Dear 'God.'" Is it coincidental that the bible's description of the so-called 'God' is almost identical to that of a modern-day politician? Always wanting recognition without any reciprocation. Well, I say fuck that. Religion is just glorified politics.
It's 8:55 pm and I've been staring at this screen for approximately ten hours. Alone. I truly have no life. I miss the days when my mother would nudge me out the front door and tell me to "do something constructive."
8:28 pm - 11.10.02
Write these words back down inside
We have burned their villages
and all the people in them died
We adopt their customs
and everything they say we steal
All the dreams they had we kill
Still we all sleep sound tonight
Is this what you wanted to hear?
We erased all their images and dance
And replaced them with borders and flags
At the top of this timeline you'll remember
This is the lipstick on the collar
And in my own life I've seen it in the mirror
sometimes at the cost of others hopes
So write these words back down inside
That's where you need it the most
and without conviction of heart
you will never feel it at all
Yeah, we all dance to the same beat when we we're marching
Yeah, the TV tells us everything we need to know
And this scene is painted
in all the fashions of the moment
And history is all the same
Everything you say you stole
Every dream you dream you bought
Thursday - "Autobiography of a Nation"
5:44 pm - 11.10.02
Recent entries:
I'm not Allyson! - 07.09.03
- - 06.24.03
a new chapter - 06.23.03
the end of the non-existent beginning - 06.23.03
just when I thought it was over... - 06.22.03
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