Here are some pictures, per Amber's request. Comment, I guess.
11:13 pm - 05.26.03
Okay, so I finally broke down and bought a pregnancy test. I shouldn't have, because it was my last eight bucks. I'm totally broke now. But I needed confirmation.
But, yeah. It was negative.
I just don't understand that. I honestly think it's wrong. Because how else can I explain weight gain only in my stomach? My belly protruding outward, firm and round? The missed periods? The constant gas? (Yeah, I know. Too much info.)
It's weird, really. The whole time I was sitting there waiting for the results, I'm thinking, "Come on, second line. Come on." Like I WANTED it to be there. But at the same time, didn't. After the five minutes was up and there was no second line, I was actually disappointed.
I know something isn't right. I definately have a baby belly. No doubt about it. Cliff and I haven't had sex in over two months, so I'm at least that far along. Probably more, since I'm showing.
But WHY was it negative??? I figured I would just be taking a test to confirm what I already knew. And then I get thrown for a loop like this. It's not fair.
I think I'll take another test tomorrow, and if it's negative again, I'll go to the doctor. Because I'm just not buying it.
Does anyone know if the cheap brand of pregnancy test is any less reliable than name brands?
9:15 pm - 05.26.03
I don't know what's going on.
I thought I had everything under control. I was being strong and moving on, no matter how many times he called and said he was sorry or that he loved me. I had finally taken charge. I told myself, "I'm not being a doormat any more. I'm done with the games and lies."
But then I started to notice the growing pooch in my stomach. I used to be able to suck it in, but not anymore. No matter how hard I try, it still juts out there, firm and round. I spend countless minutes standing sideways in front of the bathroom mirror, raising my shirt and feeling for any signs of life under the skin. It's definately not just fat. It's too firm to the touch, and extends waayyyy down. From just under my boobs to below my pubic bone. It's actually kind of cute.
I'm not upset. Really, I'm not. Because it IS something I wanted. But... that was before. Before I ended things for the last time. Before I decided I was moving on and that I couldn't ever believe anything he said, no matter how sincere it sounded.
So where was I today? Shopping. With him. Acting like we used to. We've been on speaking terms for awhile, but haven't seen eachother in about a month or so. So today when I had to go shopping for a graduation dress, I invited him to come with me. I figured I might as well, since I may very well be carrying his child. I didn't tell him anything about it until last night. And even then, I just said I was "getting fat." He then gathered what I was trying to say, and started asking me all kinds of questions. All I said was, "You'll just have to see tomorrow."
The second he saw me, he placed his hands on my belly. I was attempting to hide it with a loose shirt, but big clothes don't hinder touch. He could tell. His eyes got wide, and he just kept looking at it and stroking, like he didn't believe what he was feeling. "You're pregnant. No doubt about it."
The whole day, I tried to evade the topic. I just don't know what to say to him about it. We were in Target, and out of nowhere he embraced me in a hug and said, "I want to be like this again. I love you and I'm sorry." I didn't know what to say back, so I didn't say anything. I can't let myself fall for him again. Not after I've managed it without him for this long.
The rest of the day he kept walking up behind me and putting his arms around my belly, as if protecting it. I think he just likes feeling it. Either that, or he needed constant reassurance that it's really happening. I thought I caught his eyes misting over a couple times, and he couldn't stand still. We roamed the baby aisles, looking at carseats and bassinets. Like a perfect little couple.
But we're not. We're not even a true couple. Just a couple of kids who happen to be cooking a kid at the moment.
I would love nothing more than to make this work. But as many times as he has done me wrong in the past, how can I believe that this time will be different? Maybe knowing that we have a child together will change that. Probably not. It never does. I shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that it will.
For now, I guess I'll just see what happens. I'll let him be excited about it, and I'll be happy, too. I'll see if he can find some way to prove to me that he can change, and be a good partner and father. But I won't hold my breath.
When I took him back to his truck so we could head our separate ways, he hugged me again and said, "I can feel our baby." He started caressing my pooch again, and just grinned.
And I let him kiss me. Why why why did I let him kiss me? That's basically sealing the deal right there. No turning back now. I'm such an idiot.
This is what I always wanted, right? Then why don't I feel differently about it?
Maybe I'm just pissed because my dress makes me look fat. Rather, accentuates my pudgy belly if I don't stand just right to disguise it.
Yeah... that's it. I'm just getting fat. I better go on a diet.
4:38 pm - 05.26.03
Recent entries:
I'm not Allyson! - 07.09.03
- - 06.24.03
a new chapter - 06.23.03
the end of the non-existent beginning - 06.23.03
just when I thought it was over... - 06.22.03
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