Okay, I'm getting really sick of people asking me if I'm Allyson from teen-mother. I just had someone IM me on AIM, and be a total ass when I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. The little twerp called me a fake. So, I don't know why people think I'm her, but I'm not. The reason she has an image on her site linked to my diary is because I made her a gift when Kayden was born. NOT because I'm her.

So please STOP asking if I'm teen-mother. I'm not. Her email is [email protected], so if you have any beef, direct it there.

That will be all.

11:29 pm - 07.09.03

Just so everyone knows, I'm working on getting a script that will make my name red on your buddy list when I update at the new domain. Sorry about that, I know it's annoying to have to keep checking back there for an update! but just hang tight...

10:45 pm - 06.24.03

Well kids, this is it. I finally have the new site up and running, so this will be the last entry written here at imnotblind.

I'm sure I'll miss Diaryland, but it's not like I'm disappearing. I think the thing I'll miss most is having Andrew take care of all the complicated stuff while I can just click 'post' and I'm done. Now, I'll be setting it all up myself. But it's worth it, because a domain is something I've wanted for a long time. So, head over there and tell me what you think!

Thanks for the memories, Diaryland. And here's to many more to come. It's time for the next chapter in my book of life.

5:18 pm - 06.23.03

Word to the wise: never believe anything a drunk man says, especially if what he says wouldn't even be believable when he's sober.

It's over. Again. Or, I guess I should say it never really started. I was hanging on to something I thought was too good to be true. And it was.

More details later.

12:53 pm - 06.23.03

Oh boy.

A LOT has happened in the past couple days.

He finally called. Last night around 11:30pm.

But, let me backtrack a few hours. Yesterday, my mom and I went to Lowes (a home improvement store) because I wanted to buy a cactus for my room. Unfortunately, Lowes is also where Cliff works. But, I didn't see his truck when we got there, so I thought we would be safe. I really didn't want a run-in with him in public.

So, we're going about our business, and I pick out the cactus I want and head to the checkout. I pay for it, and when I turn around to leave, guess who's standing there, talking to Cadillac girl at her register.

Yep. It was Cliff. I knew he saw me, so I tried to act all nonchalant and pretend I wasn't affected by it. But as soon as I got out to my car, I was literally sick to my stomach. Seeing him with someone else was a hundred times worse than I expected it to be. Confirmed suspicions are not fun. At all.

To make matters worse, I had a date planned for last night. A guy from my church that has liked me for quite some time, Mark, wanted to take me out to dinner. I don't like him as anything more than a friend, but I accepted, mostly just to get my mind off other things. But needless to say, after the little incident at Lowes, I was in no mood to be with another guy.

It took a few circles around town and a nice self pep talk before I had myself calmed down enough to go through with the date. I tried to be nice and talkative, but I still felt like barfing and therefore didn't eat very much. After dinner, we rented a couple movies and took them to my house to watch them. (I wanted to make sure there was no chance of him trying anything. I was NOT in the mood.)

About half-way through our second movie, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number. So when I answered it, I was highly surprised to hear Cliff's voice. I almost didn't recognize it at first. Either that, or I was just finding it hard to believe that he was actually calling. He was obviously drunk, and didn't seem to know why he had called me. I made a point to ask him about the girl at work, and he claims that they are just friends, and she talks to him about problems with her boyfriend.

He wanted me to come over right that minute. But alas, I had a date in the next room. And honestly, I didn't even know if I wanted to see him. It would bring everything back that I'd been trying to get out of my mind. And why should I believe anything he says anyway?

On the other hand, I still had a lot I wanted to tell him, face to face. So I made up something about a friend needing a ride home, and told Mark I'd be right back.

As soon as I saw him, the tears came. And I couldn't stop. He held me, tried to get me to stop crying. Told me he was sorry. So sorry. That he loved me and needed me. That there was no other girl. He promised there wasn't. He said he was just scared, and needed some time to himself. He felt like I was trying to own him, always wanting to know where he was, wanting him to call me and "check in." (His word choice, not mine.) But when it came down to it, he didn't want to lose me.

I honestly did not know what to think about everything. There I was, going from being totally ignored for a week to him telling me he wanted me back, and it was one huge fucking shock. I had to get back to the house, but I told him I'd be back in an hour or so.

So after sending Mark home (politely, after the movie), I went back to his house. He was passed out on the couch, and it took me a good 15 minutes to get him coherent again. I just kept talking to him, tried to keep him awake, until he started to sober up a little so we could talk. To make a long conversation short, he wants things to be like they were before. He wants to be with me. But he doesn't want me to get irate if he doesn't call for a day.

Which I suppose is understandable. I'll agree that I can be overbearing at times. But it's only because I love him so much, and I always want to be around him. I agreed to his wishes, mainly because it was the only way that we could try to get back on track.

I want to think things will be smooth sailing from now on. But I know better than that. I'm sure we're going to run into problems with the whole "checking in" thing. I don't think of it the same way he does... I'd just like a phone call letting me know what's going on, so I don't sit around waiting for him. But part of love is compromising and doing your best to understand your partner and make them happy. So I guess I'll do what I can.

I finally went home around 3am, quite content with the way things had gone.

But don't breathe a sigh of relief just yet. More drama went down this morning. After church, I went to his house to see him for a bit, since I have to baby-sit all night tonight. His truck was the only vehicle there (his sister lives there as well), so of course I assumed he was there.

But as well all know, assuming makes and ass out of you and me. Because when I glanced in my rearview mirror, his step-mom's truck loomed behind me. (In case you don't remember, she hates me with a passion.)

I thought he was in the house, so I was going to just run inside. But when I stepped out of my car, she had pulled up behind me, blocking me in. And he was with her. So, I really had no choice but to smile and wave.

There I stood, staring at the devil, grinning and saying hi like a dumbass. I didn't know what else to do. She just glared at me, obviously furious that I'd be there to see her son. It was actually pretty funny, now that I think about it. Because I knew I was fucked as soon as she pulled up; there's no outlet in his driveway. So what's a girl to do but smile and look pretty?

He finally got out and she drove away (the the woodshop behind his house, which his parents own). We were both just kinda laughing, taking it in, realizing what had just happened. "I'll come back later, okay?" "Yeah, good idea."

Such is the life of pathetic little Alicia. I really have no idea what will happen next. We were going to go to the pool and relax today, but his sister wanted to go up and see their mom. So that's where they are now, and also the reason that I'm typing this insanely long entry.

More tonight. I have to baby-sit, but I plan on visiting him afterward.

Dear God, my life sounds like a fucking soap opera. And the scary part is that it's all completely true. Bah.

The saga continues...

2:51 pm - 06.22.03