As told to Cliff:
when will you grow up?
and realize that life is one big game
gotta play it right to stay ahead
otherwise you get left in the gutter
remember that
lata hata
12:35 pm - 11.10.02
Apparently I'm confusing the hell out of people about which guy I'm with (Sean, Eddie, or Cliff), so I thought I'd better clear things up. Actually, I'm with none of them. Sean and I broke up, but I don't think I posted about it. We only dated for a couple weeks, and realized we weren't ment t have that knd of relationship. We're just friends now. Eddie is a friend as well (though sometimes I'd like it to be more). He's literally the coolest guy I've ever met, and I've always wanted someone like him. But he swears up and down that he makes a terrible boyfriend, so we're just friends for now. And as for Cliff, well, we were gonna be together when I go to college because he lives up near where I'm going, but we fight so damn much that I don't know what's going on any more. I love him and I always will, but some things just aren't meant to be. So, there ya have it. Sorry to confuse y'all, lol.
Yesterday around six Eddie came over for a bit, and then we went to his house to kick it. We had planned on skating, but it started raining so we were stuck inside all night. Dak and some guy names Justin came over for awhile, and we had a hardcore ping pong game going on. They eventually left to go see 8 Mile, so Eddie and I made a trip to Meijer to buy a few (okay, twenty) cans of Reddi-Whip. (Don't ask.) We then watched O, which turned out to be awesome. And on the way back to my house we waxed a mailbox with the sack of Reddi-Whip cans. All in all an interesting evening.
I don't really know what to do about Eddie. At first I was keeping my distance because of Cliff. But last night he blew up at me for hanging out with Eddie, and that's just not gonna fly with me. I'm allowed to have male friends, and I'm damn sure that no one is gonnna tell me who I can and can't hang out with. So once again, we're on the outs. And I don't think we'll be going back in. I can't handle his insecurities and distrust in me, especially when I haven't done anything to lose his trust. HE is the one who lied to ME. Therefore, I don't feel it's my place to offer an apology or alter my behavior. So, maybe Eddie has possibilities. I don't want to go rushing into anything, really. But I need a change. I need to get away from all the drama.
Like I said, Eddie is amazing. He has these fucked up views on life that can either confuse the hell out of you or make you say, "Holy shit. That's awesome." Last night, I told him that I had never heard any music by The Doors. So, he popped in a CD and let me listen. But what made it different was how he covered my eyes and said, "Imagine you're in a room, surrounded by lights and color. You can see the walls moving, and the floor is unsteady, but you know that really it's all standing still. The only thing you can really make out is a drumset, and someone playing it like there's no tomorrow. Then, you notice the most beautiful piano you've ever seen. And it's engulfed in flames. But there's someone sitting on the bench, taking on the flames just so he can play. And in the middle of it all, there's someone laying in the middle of the floor, singing his heart out. And THAT is The Doors."
I've never looked at anything quite like that before. And that's why I like him so much. But really, maybe it's not like. Maybe it's admiration. Admiration for something that I wish I could be.
For some reason, when I'm with him, everything in the world comes together and makes total sense. He tells me that I boggle his mind with some of the things I say, and that I make him think in ways he's never thought before. He says I have a different way of thinking that not many people have. But so does he. And that's why I think I can see us together. We quote Thursday and Juliana Theory lyrics in unison like we each were made to be a compliment to the other. I told him my perspective of how time and light are both the devil (which completely wigged him out, and made me see stars), and we shared the same opinion on the government and authority. Nothing could make this any more perfect.
But I also have to think realistically. He says himself that he makes an awesome friend but a terrible boyfriend. And we're not going to the same college, as far as I know. Is it worth it to get caught up in something that is destined to fail? Or should I just go with it and let things happen, not thinking about what will become of it? Am I going for something that isn't really there? Or is it just that it's a something that has to be found and nurtured in order for it to grow into something more? Ah, I'm so confused...but god, it's fun.
11:17 am - 11.10.02
My inservice that I thought would last an hour only lasted five minutes, so I pretty much drove up to Plainfield for nothing. I only got .25 hours more on my pay check...but eh, at least I got a chance to stop by Target and get the new 30 Seconds To Mars and Finch CDs. Ah...Finch soothes me. They are gods.
I called Eddie as soon as I got home, and he was busy being a sweet kid and putting up Christmas lights for his mom. So I'm supposed to call him back at 4:45. We're doing something tonight, though I'm not sure what. I had a nice little convo with him last night, in which he told me, "Awww, you're so sweet...I think I'm in love." Why is it that I always have a boyfriend in times like these?
I scanned a couple pics of me the other day, and I thought I'd post them here, mainly because of how terrible they are. I can't believe I actually went out wearing that...I look like Avril fucking Lavigne. I could shoot myself. But everyone I have shown them to likes them, despite how poser-ish I look. I'm NEVER wearing that again. It's dirty jeans and band tees for me from now on.
�����
Sorry about the quality, my scanner is shit.
Well kiddies, that's all for now. Gotta go call Eddie-poo.
4:05 pm - 11.09.02
Recent entries:
I'm not Allyson! - 07.09.03
- - 06.24.03
a new chapter - 06.23.03
the end of the non-existent beginning - 06.23.03
just when I thought it was over... - 06.22.03
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