Hi, I'm Ali. And I'm scared.
There. I said it. I'm fucking scared. And I don't like it.
It's not anger or jealousy or greed or want or hate or unfulfillment or exasperation that's eating away at me like an unstoppable acid. My whole mercurial self boils down to one single emotion: FEAR. It's become apparent to me, and now that I've realized it, I'm ten times more scared than I was to begin with. It's almost like acknowledging it is what ignites it. If I know it's there, it has its fuel and it won't stop until it runs out of gas.
I'm scared of losing everything that I've strived for in the last seven months. All the work and dedication and love I have put into this relationship is being threatened, and there's really nothing I can do about it. No amount of begging and pleading, or even convincing (or attempting to convince) can console his insecurities. I feel powerless.
A couple nights ago, Cliff was drinking at his house with some friends. I don't like it when he drinks, and he knows it. Yet, I wasn't really mad about it. Annoyed maybe, but not mad. I honestly wanted him to just relax and enjoy himself, because I felt he deserved it. He hardly ever lets loose and has fun because he's too caught up in work and money and making his parents happy. He's tense all the time, and I just wanted him to be carefree for once.
But, he thought I was mad. And even when I said I wasn't, he insisted that I was. It didn't matter what I said. He was set in his opinion.
And he broke up with me that night. He told me that there was no way it was going to work, and that we needed to wait until he had his own place. "Maybe we can try again after that." And he gave me an ultimatum. Either I agreed to be his friend for now and wait until his situation improved, or I would lose him forever. I couldn't give him an answer. He hung up on me, and I finally managed to cry myself to sleep about three hours later.
The next morning, I felt a bit better, as I knew I would. But then, he called to apologize. He said that he had been talking out his ass, and it wasn't what he really wanted at all. So, I accepted his apology (because I knew he had been inebriated), and I thought everything was fine again. He came and picked me up the next morning to show me the truck he was thinking about buying, and I invited him to come over on Sunday for the Super Bowl. It was the first time he'd been to my house in almost two weeks, and it was nice. It gave me a renewed hope.
That is, until tonight. He wrote in his diary, "I dont really know what is going on with Ali and I right now. I feel that we are growing farther apart." Among other things. I will agree that it feels like we're not as close as we used to be, but that's solely because we're used to seeing eachother every day. With the issue of his parents hating me, he can't see or call me very often. (I don't quite understand this, since he is a grown man, but I've learned not to question it any more.) It's like a long-distance relationship, almost. But I've always had faith in us, and I keep pushing myself to be strong until we can be "us" again. I'd wait forever if it meant that he'd be there for me at the end of forever.
But now, it doesn't look so clear any more. He's questioning himself and our relationship to the point of wondering if he should even keep trying. And that worries me. I thought he would do anything to make sure this works, and it seems to me that he's giving up. I know he is doing everything in his power to save enough funds to move out, but the selfish side of me still wants more. I keep thinking that there has to be another way, somehow, to make things easier on us.
Which leads me to that fact that I can't quite understand why his mom is so pissed about me calling her a heartless bitch and saying that I'd be embarassed if my mother acted like that. I know it probably wasn't the smartest thing to say, but at that point in time, I didn't particularly care. The woman was degrading me and mocking me, and I called it like I saw it. In my opinion, if she's going to dish it out, she should be prepared to take it back. But I guess that's not the way the game works when she's the scorekeeper.
So thanks to me, our situation is doubly complicated. Stupid, stupid Ali. When will you learn?
What I hate most is that now I'm questioning myself. Should I have stuck with what he said to me on that drunken night, and refused to take him back? Would it really be better if we waited until he's settled in a place of his own? In all honesty, I don't want to find out. I don't like change; I never have. So maybe change is what I'm afraid of most. I don't want to have to start all over again with someone new. I don't want to deal with single life again. We're so close to being where we've always dreamed of being, and I think it would be a damn shame to give it all up now.
I know it's cliche, but love really is like a rollercoaster. A wild ride of twists and turns, ups and downs. But it's in their one downfall that the two are most alike. Once you get up to that highest point, you can't see what's in front of or behind you. All you see is blank space, and you have no idea what will happen next. It's uncontrollable. And that's what makes falling in love and riding rollercoasters so hard. You have no control. And without control, you feel helpless.
I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish by writing this entry. I composed it while standing in the shower, the steaming water soaking my thoughts and causing everything to rise to the surface. If anything, it's made me put things into perspective. No, I don't want to lose Cliff. I love him more than anything, and I'd do anything for him and for our relationship. But I'm stuck. I don't know what else to do to make him happy with what we have, and unless he tells me what he needs, I'm scared that he'll just turn and run. I don't like that he feels insecure and lost.
I want so badly to be able to make it all okay. But I'm no miracle worker. I'm just his girlfriend, trying to make ends meet, for the sake of us.
9:20 pm - 01.27.03
Recent entries:
I'm not Allyson! - 07.09.03
- - 06.24.03
a new chapter - 06.23.03
the end of the non-existent beginning - 06.23.03
just when I thought it was over... - 06.22.03
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